I just realized I’ve been doing the relationship thing all wrong.
You see, lately I’ve been watching a lot of movies—good, bad and, quite frankly, ugly—and to quote Oscar Wilde, “Paradoxically though it may seem, it is none the less true that life imitates art far more than art imitates life.”
So now that I have seen the Tungsten light, I have decided to take my relationship cues from the big screen, where clearly they do things correctly. They must, after all, since they all have happy endings, unlike me, who has a string of box-office bombs in my wake.
Having learned how love works, I now give you relationship advice I have gathered from the movies:
- When confronted with a boyfriend who has just revealed himself to be a serial killer, alien, or insanely jealous police officer, hit him as hard as possible with the nearest blunt object (don’t worry, one will always be handy for situations like this) and then stay there. Watch as he teeters on unconsciousness or bends over in pain, but do not—I repeat, do not—flee when you have the chance; there is the possibility that he may revive himself and continue to tear your limbs off.
- When your almost-boyfriend discovers that you have been deceiving him about who you are (because, of course, who doesn’t have the time, energy and arsenal to spend every waking moment pretending to be someone else?), do not offer an explanation. Instead, stand there wide-eyed and crying and tell him—nay, beg him—to give you another chance because you (never mind about how he may be feeling) will be devastated if he walks away. Explanations and apologies are for sissies.
- Upon meeting someone for the first time, be sure to sleep with him before the evening is over. Heaven knows that the best way to make someone truly love you is to take your clothes off and do the horizontal tango. Key points to remember: say the words ‘I love you’ (sneaking a peek at her driver’s license works well if you’ve forgotten her name), make plans for the furthest holiday of that year, discuss cohabitation, and reveal the names of the 2.5 children you hope to start creating, well, now.
- Alternately, when meeting for the first time, act like a Grade-A pig. There’s nothing worse than making things too easy and pleasant for the future love of your life. Criticize her outfit, friends and taste in music. Sleep with her and then fake arithmophobia (fear of numbers, by the way; upset lovers are always more forgiving in the face of scientific disorders). And always, always put your career, buddies, codependent family, and TV-watching time ahead of her. Then, when you’re ready, tell the tear-streaked, therapy-seeking, ego-crushed gal trembling before you that you’ve been afraid of getting too close but you now realize that she’s The One. This kind of behavior, according to the cinema, is a recipe for getting the girl.
- And finally, the Technicolor version of relationship success to pursue her. For. Ever. At some point your never-ending phone calls, surprise visits wherever she is (don’t worry, even college students and minimum wage workers can afford first-class airfare), and frightening amount of knowledge about her life will crumble her wall of defense, not to mention the restraining order. In real life, this is called stalking; in movie life, it is merely true love. Cue the Hans Zimmer score.
As Fran Lebowitz once said, “Romantic love is mental illness. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” Take it from the movies: she’s right.
Selena Templeton is a blogger with JenningsWire Online Magazine. For more posts by Selena please visit here.
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