If you listen to a man, really listen to his actual words.
He will reveal to you what he thinks, feels, and believes along with his intentions toward you. “Well, that is just common sense Bree!” you may be saying, “Of course he will tell you these things!” Unfortunately, many women will hear what they want to hear and ignore a man’s truth. What do I mean by this?
To be more clear here are some common examples.
On their first date he shares he is just out of a serious relationship and is only looking to have fun. What he is telling her is that he is not ready to enter into a serious relationship. However, what would many women “hear” instead? “Oh! He has already been in a serious committed relationship so if I do and say the right things, he will be ready again soon!”
After a few weeks of dating he tells her he really likes her and spending time together but cant promise that it is going anywhere in the future. In actuality he is saying, “I do not see a serious future with you and I.” Yet, many women will hear, “He likes me and spending time with me…no one can predict what is going to happen in the future…he just needs more time with me!”
After a month of dating things become more romantic one evening and they head off to the bedroom. He tells her how sexy and beautiful she is and how much he wants her. After a night of incredible sex, the next day he tells her it was amazing but he cannot promise it is going to lead to anything more serious. He is clearly saying he is not going to commit to her but loves having sex with her. Unfortunately, women will hear, “You are so hot and I want you!” believing that given more time and more great sex he will fall in love and want to commit.
In my work with both men and women I see this dynamic occur all of the time.
The women share with me, “I don’t know what happened, things were going so well?!” While on the other hand, the men tell me. “I don’t understand why she got so hurt, I told her since the start?!”
The fact is that most men do not want to hurt a woman’s feelings. They believe they are being honest by telling her where they are at with her. However, in many cases they still will pursue having sex with her thinking that if she says “yes” she understands the ground rules. On the other hand, if she says “no” he gets that she is interested in much more than what he is offering.
This critical mistake women make of projecting onto a man’s words what they want it to mean is only compounded by thinking that having sex with him will make him fall for her.
The best thing a woman can do is actively listen and accept what the man is telling her. If a man wants a relationship with a woman he will pursue her and tell her that is what he wants. When he does not, he tells her that too….she just needs to listen!