As the years go by and your dating roster grows longer, you begin to find patterns among men (and women, too, of course).
This is not to pigeonhole fifty percent of the population, but rather to make the whole dating process a lot more efficient so that you don’t waste precious months, years or, dare I say, decades trying to intertwine your life with someone who, at the end of the day, is simply not right for you. Or for anyone, if I may be so opinionated.
Allow me to unveil seven types of men to avoid if you prefer to keep your sanity intact:
The False Advertiser
The False Advertiser will approach you confidently, ask for your number and call you the next day. He will bring you flowers, respect your refusal to have sex on the first date, and the next day leave you a voicemail that borders on publishable poetry (or so you think in your shell-shocked haze). You will feel beautiful, funny and very special…for six weeks.
And then poof! Gone are the love texts, the sweet smiles and the dinners out, and the only texts you get now are one-word declarations of his arrival (“here”). What happened? Much like those “scientifically-proven” ads for Activia Yogurt, it was just good old-fashioned false advertising: manipulation of standards, undefined terms, and oversized packaging. So that idealistic romantic you first saw? That’s the mask. The lazy, self-absorbed guy? That’s the real him.
The Love Guy
This is the guy who claims he loves you…on the third date. He cannot differentiate between love and lust. After only a couple of dates, he won’t know your middle name but he will claim that you are what he’s been looking for all his life. He will precede his declaration of love with “This doesn’t usually happen to me so fast…” (yes it does) and cap it off by assuring you that he doesn’t want you to say it just because he did (yes he does).
Next week when you still haven’t said the L-word, he will pick a fight with you because you obviously don’t care a whit about him. The best part is, two months later when you break up with him because he’s like static cling, he tells you that he never really loved you at all, now that he sees the horrible, cold, unfeeling person you are.
The Bottom Hugger
When you and your guy cozy up on the sofa, who takes the bottom position (i.e. resting your head on the other person’s chest while they throw an arm around your shoulders)? I’m no anthropologist, but this position is clearly for the beta male. It calls out “take care of me!” I’m not saying that men can’t be weak, vulnerable or just plain tired sometimes, but a consistent bottom hugger is likely to be wishy-washy, has a severe testosterone deficiency, or is too nice (not nice – too nice). Also known as Pity Party Peter or The Waffler, he is a “whatever you want, dear” type, and if that’s the type you do want, then by all means top hug your way to bliss with him.
The Serial Dater
This is the guy who views girlfriends as car insurance: don’t let your policy lapse or you’ll be penalized. So no matter who shows interest in the Serial Dater, he will never turn her down, lest no one ever show interest in him again. He drifts from one girlfriend to another, never satisfied for long because the women are usually not quite right for him, but he’s too afraid of being alone. To make up for a lack of common interests, he will usually indulge in “extracurricular activities” with other women, because, of course, he can’t turn them down. Sometimes he will even ask the current woman he’s dating if he should date another woman. Serial Daters often, but not always, are Lovers, too.
This type is as old as the Virgin Mary herself. He subconsciously – or worse, consciously – divides women into two categories: the madonnas and the whores. The madonna (and we’re not talking the Material Girl here) is the one you marry: she’s pure, sweet and makes love. The whore, obviously, is not the marrying kind, because she is confident, forthright and loves to fuck. God forbid you marry someone with these traits! And obviously there is no such woman who embodies both the madonna and the whore.
This is the guy who seems normal and kind until the day he asks you for a favor. He wants you to drive out to Riverside and pick him up at three in the morning, and when you mumble in your somnolent state that you have to get up early for a meeting, he becomes livid. Or snarky. Or holier than thou. Whatever his choice of attitude, it’s directed at you not only for this incident, but for the other sixteen times you apparently disappointed him – which he will go through like he’s reading a from a handy checklist that he keeps in his wallet.
The Narcissist is actually a conglomeration of all these other types (except he is very aware of what he is doing, while the other guys usually are not), because he will do absolutely anything to make you give him what he wants. But the only thing you should give him is an Academy Award for best performance in a drama. He twists the truth, blames others for his mistakes, and outright ignores any pesky facts or hard evidence that contrast with his version of things – like an outgoing text message on your phone and the corresponding incoming text on his phone that he refuses to look at. Like Narcissus of mythology who saw his own reflection in a pool of water and couldn’t stop staring at himself, the modern-day version is constantly taking selfies and posting them everywhere. Don’t worry, though – remember how Narcissus fell in to the pool and drowned?
There are many more patterns, but these seven seem to be the current trends. So if you are getting to know someone and you see that he falls into one of these categories, consider yourself forewarned. Unless, of course, your ideal boyfriend is a false advertising, bottom-hugging, over-loving, narcissistic, score-keeping serial dater who commits to you instantly unless you show an interest in sex.
Selena Templeton is a blogger with JenningsWire Online Magazine. For more posts by Selena please visit here.
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